there's only12 numbers on a clock

yet it continues to tick.
time goes by way too fast for me.
i finally got to see your beautiful,
smiling face. but it was only
for a short bit of time. every
moment i got to spend with you
was greatly cherished, believe me.
it felt so good to feel your arms
around me again. hurry up and
come home from deployment for
GOOD, please. i miss you.

eleven more days

I'm getting very scared. I'll be having my baby in as soon as 4 weeks. I'm more broke than I have ever been before, and I owe so much more money. I have almost completely wiped out my savings account trying to pay for everything that has popped up in the past month. I've shelled out over $1,000 in the past month for bills. It's not like I've been irresponsible with my money, I haven't spent any money on myself with the exception of a few pairs of underwear that cost less than $20 that I needed because almost all of my underwear is chewed up to due to an old roomate of mine, and her dog. I'm so terrified of everything that is going to be coming my way in the next few months, nothing will ever be the same. I feel incompitent and unprepared. I move into my new apartment in 11 days, and that means I'll be even more alone. I hate being alone, especially now because if anything happens noone is here to be with me through it. If I go into labor, I'm on my own. If I fall down the stairs, I'll be in the floor for only God know's how long because noone is here to find me. I feel absolutely terrible because some of my closest friends who are the only ones who have actually stuck with me through this entire pregnancy will be getting NOTHING from me on their birthdays. I wish I could do at least half as much as they have done for me in the past few months. I have no way of returning the favor though, and that really upsets me. I hate being grown up.

girl you's a ten..

i'm at a very awkward point in my life [not only that, but i find the word awkward to be..well awkwardly spelt.] i digress. as much as i cannot stand females, and sure as hell do not trust them, i'm beginning to realize that in the end, they are the ones who will be there for you when you fall on your ass. no matter how good of a guy friend he may be to you, in the end, when you need him the most, he's not going to be anywhere to be found. why is that? is it simply because guys don't know how to be loyal regardless of the situation? i'm not saying every female is there, and that every female is loyal because by no means do i find that to be true. hence being one of the reasons i can't stand females to begin with. but what i'm saying is, in the end i guess you have to stick to your own kind. how can one expect someone of a different sex, who's NEVER walked a day in your shoes even somewhat similar to yours, to be there for you when you need them the most, when you're at your lowest point? may be this is just me losing ALL faith and trust in men, may be this is a growing point in my life, to be completely honest i'm not sure. what i am sure of is though, even through all the bullshit and catfights, my girls are the ones who have been there for me through thick and thin no matter the situation. in the end, they're the one's who have had, and will have my back. so at this point, i'm ready to tell any male that crosses my path and feeds me the line of "you know i'm here for you" to kiss my ass because that doesnt mean the same thing in girls words as it does guys. in a girls mind that means no matter what the situation, i have your back. in guys words, i'm here until it gets tough, but once it gets tough i won't be anywhere to be found but i'll find you again when i think you're doing better. for once in my life, i'm proud to be a girl.

nine.

it was my fault for assuming you were just going to donate plasma today. but then again i guess it's none of my business where you go or what you do, it's not like we're dating. i guess this weekend was just a drunken weekend to you. i was just someone to fuck. what i hate more than anything right now is the fact that i know that even if i knew someone i liked, i know i wouldnt be able to be around them because of how much i like you. but you don't seem to have that problem. you can go stay at any girls house and feel NOTHING. i'm stupid for liking you and thinking that you'd actually want to be with me. who the fuck wants to be with a girl who got knocked up and left anyways? i'm worthless. i'm just a mistake, like always. why do i have to be so fucking emotional? why do i have to fall so fucking hard for someone who doesnt give two shits about me back? will this ever end?

i forgot what number i was on...

but all i have to say is that i hate having feelings for someone. it blows. i always end up getting hurt, never do i end up happy. i wish i could just give it all up but it's just not that easy. i can't stand being alone, yet i can never get it right when i'm with someone. so much is on my mind, i don't even feel like talking about it. i want to be happy.

seven days a week

as much as i try and forget about jon, one of my good friends, i just can't. i can like other people but when it comes to it, he's the one that i continuously think about. he's always on my mind, and always in my heart. how different would things be right now if he hadn't told me not to wait for him? a part of me want's to move on but there's an even bigger part that doesn't want to in hopes that he and i will get together and work things out. i will never forget our first kiss. we were at starbucks. he came and saw me on my break, it was night time. i was about to go back to work and he kissed me. it doesnt seem that special but to me it was. i had wanted to do that for so long but i had a boyfriend when i met him. i know he would accept me and my child like it was nothing. but i'm so scared of passing up life just waiting around for something i'm not even sure about. i've messed up a lot of things in my life but i don't want this to be just another thing on the list. i want this to be one of the things i've done right.

s.i.x.

can someone please explain to me why the top of my stomach feels like it just got a shot of novocain?! it's numb as all get out and it feels very wierd. i'll ask my doctor thursday, i have an appointment then.

so yesterday consisted of me spending money that i don't have and once again getting ditched so someone could go have sex. do people not learn from my mistakes? sex=pregnancy=no life at all. i don't know any other way to put it. so i end up feeling like a complete annoyance to my neighbor due to the fact that i didnt want to sit around my apartment and hear sex moans. he was kind enough to let me chill at his house, but i still feel like he didn't want me there. i don't blame him.

i want my OWN place to live. somewhere just with me and rae and no one else. but that involves having a job that actually pays you something other than petty money that doesnt get you anywhere. you would think that after working with a company for two years they'd respect you enough to help you out knowing you were single and pregnant, but no. i need to get married so i don't have all these worries anymore. i want to get married to someone in the military for many reasons, one because of medical insurance, two so i can take off work for a year and spend it with my daughter being a house wife/mom with no stress of babysitters or work, and three [i know this sounds terrible] so that he won't be around 24/7. when you marry someone in the military there are always base lock downs, field excerises that last days, tdy, and the occasionaly deployment [in war time.] i've grown up knowing this lifestyle, and i like it. so who's up for gettin hitched? haha

fuck everyone

i love how someone who calls me their best friend can be so self centered and so disrespectful. she doesnt even think about how i'm going to feel when she does half the crap she does. she ditches me to hang out with MY friend whom she knows i have feelings for and it's supposed to be ok. i'm supposed to not care when i'm left home alone while she goes to the beach with him and his friends. she bails out on fireworks with me so she can get drunk and wander over to his place. she say's they're friends too etc. well i hope he's half as good as a friend i ever was because you just lost me.

there's only one person in this world who has NEVER made me feel betrayed or fucked me over. she's 4000miles away and it sucks, because she's the only person i trust. and i really do mean the ONLY person that i trust.

f.o.u.r.

well after i had my talk with boy, i feel a lot better having that all off my chest. i only wish his response would have been different, but i can't control how he feels. i feel that i can move on and get over it with more ease now knowing for sure that he doesn't feel the same as i do. i feel that i can now accept things and just be friends. there's someone out there for me, i just havent found him yet. i only hope i find him soon, i'm rather tired of looking. and VERY tired of finding all the wrong ones. on top of all this, i now have rae lynn to take into consideration and she deserves to have someone there too, but only the right someone.

third time's a charm

i come home from pregnant girl's night out, only to get real sick to my stomach as i'm pulling around the corner to my apartment. i knew he wasn't going to be home. sure enough, his car is no where to be found. that would explain the bag he had with him when he was leaving today. how could he be all over me and be so nice to me only to run off to some girls house, i'm sure? all i know is whatever he got me to make up for everything better be damn good, because right now i don't know what could make up for this. i can't be mad at him because i haven't told him how i feel about him, but at the same time i don't feel like i should have to. my mom's right, i need to just give everything up until after i have the baby, but it's so hard. i'm so lonely and i feel so unwanted by everyone. it's not fair, why can't i EVER catch a break?! i just want for one thing to go right for once. just for once for someone to care about me the way i care about them. but i don't see that happening anytime soon, if it ever does happen.

two's company

i'm falling for pete. it took him going out on a date with another girl for me to realize this. now i don't know how to act around him, or what to do. i feel like i should tell him but i'm not sure how he feels because he's always talking about how he wants to date an older girl. he wants something different than what he's had in the past. but all in the same sentence he'll talk about how i'm the most mature person he knows. talk about confusing. well i'm about to go out with karen. it's pregnant girl's night out :].

numero uno

I'm exactly 22 weeks and 1 day pregnant. My baby girl is due November 1, 2008. I'm pretty stoked, but scared all in one emotion. People like to ignore me. I think it's because they don't understand me. They fear me, when there is nothing to fear [that is if you don't piss me off.] I'm a little bit crazy, but who isn't now-a-days? I have a best friend who is an official bad ass. She makes me proud :]. So much that I'm going to name my daughter after her. I have a roomate that is a complete, let's just say dumbass, but I have to love her. Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten how to open up. Or may be I never really knew, I just had that one person who knew before I ever said anything. She still knows, it's just hard with her being 4000 miles away. It's bed time, I have to be for work at 545AM. joy :]